30 things only a best mate would do (or know)

Best mates are a funny category. There's no ceremony, no certificate, nobody officially appoints them. But at some point you realise there is one person (or two, or a small chaotic group) who simply gets you. Here is our entirely unscientific, completely original list of the evidence.

15 things only your best mate would know

1. Your exact order

   Funny

   Not just "a curry". The curry, the heat level, the side you pretend you won't eat and the naan you definitely will.

2. How you really take your tea

   Funny

   Down to the colour. They have, at some point, sent one back on your behalf.

3. What "I'm fine" means

   Heartfelt

   There are at least four kinds of "I'm fine". They know every one, and which ones need a follow-up call.

4. Your ex's full name, and why we don't say it

   Funny

   It is referred to only by an agreed code name. Possibly an unflattering one.

5. The song you'll cry at

   Heartfelt

   They have skipped it on the pub jukebox to save you. They have also, once or twice, put it on deliberately. Both are love.

6. Your PIN, probably

   Funny

   Not because you told them. They just know. It's concerning.

7. Your family's politics

   Funny

   They know which uncle to avoid at your wedding and which topics are banned at Christmas.

8. What you were like before

   Heartfelt

   Before the job, the kids, the confidence. They knew you at fourteen, and they still like you. That counts for a lot.

9. Your one real fear

   Heartfelt

   Not spiders. The actual one. They've never used it against you and never will.

10. How to calm you down

    Heartfelt

    Some people need a hug, some need a walk, some need to be left alone with crisps. They know which you are.

11. The story you always tell

    Funny

    They can mouth along. They still laugh at the punchline. That is devotion.

12. Which friends you secretly can't stand

    Funny

    A single raised eyebrow across a crowded room is a full conversation.

13. Your go-to karaoke song

    Funny

    And they will do the backing vocals, whether asked or not.

14. What you actually want for your birthday

    Heartfelt

    Not what you said. What you want. The difference is key.

15. When to change the subject

    Heartfelt

    Someone at the table brings up something sore. Your best mate is already talking loudly about the dessert menu.

15 things only your best mate would do

1. Answer at 2am

   Heartfelt

   Phone on loud "just in case". The phone rings, they pick up with "what's happened?" before you've said a word.

2. Walk into your house without knocking

   Funny

   Put the kettle on, open your fridge and comment on its contents. You'd be worried if they didn't.

3. Hold your hair back

   Funny

   And never, ever speak of it again. Unless it's your wedding. Then it's fair game.

4. Hate your enemies on principle

   Funny

   Colleague who took credit for your work? Your best mate has never met them and would happily fight them in a car park.

5. Tell you the truth about the outfit

   Funny

   Everyone else says "you look great". Your best mate says "not the shoes".

6. Show up without being asked

   Heartfelt

   You said you didn't need anyone. Twenty minutes later there's a knock and a bag of shopping.

7. Be your plus-one for rubbish things

   Heartfelt

   Hospital appointments, funerals, work dos, parents' evenings. The unglamorous plus-one jobs.

8. Keep the secret forever

   Heartfelt

   Even from their partner. Even after fifteen years. Even after three wines.

9. Eat the last chip, but offer it first

   Funny

   There is a strict protocol. You both know it. Nobody has ever written it down.

10. Defend your honour in the group chat

    Funny

    Before you've even read the message, they've already replied "she was CLEARLY joking".

11. Scroll back through years of photos with you

    Heartfelt

    Laughing at old hairstyles and quietly remembering the people who aren't here any more.

12. Give you an honest kick up the backside

    Heartfelt

    When you're about to settle, text the ex or skip the interview. Love, but with steel toecaps.

13. Babysit your plants, pets or small children

    Funny

    Two out of three will be alive when you get back. (It's always the basil.)

14. Remember the date

    Heartfelt

    The day you lost someone. Every year, a text. No big speech, just "thinking of you today x".

15. Treat your family like theirs

    Heartfelt

    Your mum asks after them by name. They send her a birthday card. It's a whole thing.

A best mate isn't someone who's never let you down. It's someone who always comes back.

Don't have "a" best mate?

That's completely normal. Plenty of people have a handful of close friends for different parts of life: the school friend, the work friend, the neighbour, the one from the running club. Some people's best mate is their sibling, their partner or their nan. Adult friendships shift around, and not having one single best friend doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. If you'd like more closeness in your life, our page on keeping friendships alive has some ideas.